Under This Smile

Under This Smile

Under this smile
There is a side
You never get to see.

All the while,
Pain does reside
In the depths of me.

Depression is a thief,
Stealing happiness
And leaving despair,

And utter grief.
I must confess,
I wish wasn’t there.

I can try to cover it
Like putting makeup
On a painful scar,

And try to smother it,
But soon I give up,
And don’t get too far.

I can play pretend
Temporarily,
But it forthwith

Comes to an end.
There is a part of me
That wants to show this,

And yet, the other
Part wants to hide
It shamefully.

It is yet another
Thing I wish to confide
I’m desperate to be free.

It’s harder when
I’m asked why;
I have no answer,

And I’m dejected again.
To my Savior I cry,
For Him to cure.

Fearful being rejected again;
I don’t want to open
My heart and soul,

For fear of then
Inviting Sadness in
To eat me whole.

“But You already know
My heart; You, most Holy,
Won’t reject me.”

This begins a slow
Healing from melancholy,
Defeating the Enemy.

It is one more ploy
Of the pirate to plunder
My hopeless spirit,

But my Savoir restores joy
And I begin to wonder,
Can I beat it?

Jesus has the victory
Over the whole world.
Death and sin have lost

Because His mighty
Plan was unfurled
When His Son paid the cost!

This and more is going
On inside of my brain
All at the same time.

But none is showing,
No, none of the pain
That’s under this smile of mine.


They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. (Psalm 126:5 KJV)

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3 ESV)

My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26 NKJV)

So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? (First Corinthians 15:54-55 KJV)

He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of His people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it. (Isaiah 25:8 KJV)


This is one of my longer poems. I know, it doesn’t have the usual victory message at the very end, but… I was being real. I know there will be victory in the end, but sometimes in the moment, you just don’t feel it. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t true though. 😉 He will have the victory. 🙂

Keep On The Path

Apple Tree Sapling

A seed was planted in fertile ground.
It was indeed slow growing,
Because tall weeds abounded,
Choking, no longer living or knowing

Jesus; it flirted with seemingly delightful death.
Eyes were opened and God plucked the weeds
And then gave it a Life-Giving Breath –
No, it is not the end of this seed!

Rocks tried to make it harder to grow,
And when it saw how far it came,
Winds of self-consciousness came to blow
And it wilted over in shame.

“But stand tall, My little plant!
I, the Great I am, died for you!
Don’t think of what you can’t
But think of what I can do!

“You should be proud, I’ve brought you far.
Keep on the path that I’ve set for you, little one.
Be satisfied with the plant that you are,
But yet, strive to grow toward the Son.”

The Light & A Life Update

Image credit: Pixabay

Have you heard the phrase, “light at the end of the tunnel?” I recently read this one: “Due to extenuating circumstances, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.” At first, I thought that this was clever – and it is – however, I realize with depression, it can certainly feel that way sometimes.

The enemy puts a blindfold on to block the view, and it takes a lot of effort to get it off.

Image credit: Pixabay

For anxiety sufferers, the tunnel constricts our view of the Light as the airway constricts when a person has an asthma attack. Nothing can get in, and nothing can make us feel more helpless and alone.

But maybe, just maybe, tunnel vision causes this. Thoughts have a way of blocking the Light and making it seem smaller than it is or telling us that the Light at the end of the tunnel is a train that’s going to run us over. It’s sometimes nearly impossible to control them.

image credit: Pixabay

It’s all lies. Yes, that is our view of things. But, whatever the case may be, just because I can’t see the Light, doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. For we walk by faith, not by sight (Second Corinthians 5:7).

So even when we feel hopeless in the middle of some tunnel where it’s dark, and where sometimes we’re even afraid of the Light, we know we must keep walking. Even when the tunnel starts to constrict, keep pushing forward. Even when the Light isn’t visible anymore, keep going. And when it looks like the Light might just run us over – keep on. Wield the Armor of the Spirit and order those lies away.

Image credit: Pixabay

For the Light is waiting to shine on us, and shine through us. Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 5:14-16).


That’s pretty much where my brain has been today. It has been hard to stay focused on the Light and Who He is. If you read this post from a couple of weeks ago, then you know that life has been hard for me this month.

You may remember this photo from the past. Radar is the one on the left, washing her face. Last night, she became violently ill – and the vet isn’t open that late, so I had to wait until morning. I kept checking on her most of the night. When I checked on her around 1AM, she was already gone. I had no chance to even try to help her, it happened so fast. Here is another photo; she is on the left (and Sketcher is on the right):

Her eyes weren’t always different like that. When she was a kitten, another cat scratched her eye, and she became blind in that eye. She adapted so well, but I always had to keep that in mind because if I approached her on her blind side and then reached to pet her, she would lose her mind because she didn’t see it coming. 😅 I have many fond memories of her losing her mind. Most of the time it happened because I mistook her for Rabbit (Radar’s mother). Without seeing the face, they looked almost identical.

Now they are both gone, within a couple of weeks of each other.

Radar would have been eight this spring.

I may not be as active online the next few days while I try to put my heart back together. Love you guys! ❤

Book Review: Christmas After All

People are losing jobs. Businesses are closing down. Willie Fae, a cousin from Texas, lost both of her parents and had to move to Indianapolis to live with Minnie’s family. (Minnie likes having a girl her own age around, though.) Her family is having to eat au gratin (which is French for “with cheese” and basically meant that they added potatoes and cheese to everything to make the food stretch farther) for dinner most nights. According to Minnie and Ozzie’s (Minnie’s brother) “vomitometric scale,” or “vomitron” for short, most au gratin dinners rate high, such as the cauliflower au gratin, which rated a solid 8 of 10 on the vomitous scale.

Times are hard. She knows, she has been to the shantytown (which they named Curtisville after the vice president of the time) before and seen people living in little shacks built out of old tires and scraps, burning whatever they can find in large tin barrels to keep warm. She knows that Christmas this year will be different, but she doesn’t know how different. Will they even be able to have a Christmas?

★★★★

(Now that I am on Goodreads, I will be sharing the number of stars that I give each book – soon I will try to connect my Goodreads account to my WordPress account and you’ll be able to see what I’m reading! 😉 In the meantime, if you want to see what I’m reading, here is a link to my Goodreads account: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/74692007-penelope-payne)

Without revealing too many spoilers, and keeping in mind that this is a children’s book: I was a bit surprised that the topic of suicide came up. Perhaps I haven’t read enough children’s books written in the 2000’s, but I’m not sure how I felt about this; I guess I expect a G rating in a children’s book. However, the reaction that Minnie had to it was believable, it was portrayed in the right light, and it was realistic to how it really was back then.

Speaking of how it was back then… I so enjoyed how there was a section at the end of the book that told about the things mentioned in the book, such as the radio programs, movie stars of the era, recipes for foods that they ate in the book (that were not on the vomitron scale!), and photos from back then. It added depth to the story, and I love it when books are educational. It was a really great read for Christmas. 🙂

This was my third Dear America book. The other two were So Far From Home (The Diary of an Irish Mill Girl) and Voyage On The Great Titanic. I plan to get a review up for So Far From Home after I reread it because it has been years since I read it. But I remember enjoying it.)

Pray Now

Pray Now

As God plants seeds, so does the devil
Planting seeds of many kinds of evil

Resist and he
Will surely flee

Just as we have many defenses in place
He has many weapons in his storage space

Doubt is poison
Depression is prison

How do I praise My Lord no matter how I feel?
Isn’t it better to wait until the sadness I heal?

No, pray now
He will show how

When we know not what to pray for as we ought
The Spirit guides and puts it inside our heart.

How to pray
Throughout the day

Without ceasing, as the Word demands it.
Rejoice at all times; how, when my spirit

Is downcast?
Will it last?

No, have hope, have hope inside
Then go to His throne and abide

If only I believe
He will relieve

The sadness inside my soul
Before it swallows me whole.

Into Him I press
His name I bless

The Lord gives and He takes away, by and by;
Blessed be the name of the Lord on High!

 

Likewise, the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. (Romans 8:26)

Pray without ceasing. (First Thessalonians 5:17)

Blessed is the people that know the joyful sound: they shall walk, O LORD, in the light of Thy countenance. In Thy name shall they rejoice all the day: and in Thy righteousness, shall they be exalted. For Thou art the glory of their strength… (Psalm 89:15-17)

“Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!” (Job 1:21)

Diamond Heart

Diamond Heart

Depression clouds hung overhead,
Dark thoughts swirled in the storm;
Lightning struck and happiness fled,
Sadness without shape, without form.

Depression spawned twisters that destroy
Everything that was dear to me.
Storage once upon a time held joy;
Tornadoes scattered all that was near to me.

My diamond heart has broken,
And the shards cut into my soul;
The pieces are a sharp token
To what once was whole.

My Father picks up the debris,
And with His loving hand,
Uses His Love to recreate me,
And glues it together again.

Diamond hearts may shatter,
But I know that I will heal;
The pain will no longer matter,
For through the storm, His love, I feel,

From the very heavens above.
He will never from me part.
My Lord rebuilds, so I may love
With all of my diamond heart. 💖


I almost feel like this is a companion to Stained Glass, one of the first poems I shared on this blog. (Which was in July of 2016… my how time flies! 😊)

How Can I Doubt?

I’d like to thank Sharon for so kindly asking me to write a guest post for her blog, Life As A Believer. 😊 If you’d like to read the post in its entirety, just click the link below! (And while you’re there, browse around a little – she’s a fantastic blogger. 😉)

Life As A Believer

24 Pennelope pic By Penelope Payne

I’m worthless, my life is in vain;
Tried to fix myself, but superglue
Can’t hold me together; the pain
Inside is too great, I’m too blue.

Not the blue of the sky or ocean,
But the kind that has no cheer;
The kind that throws you in prison,
The kind that comes with fear…

Everyone would be better off without me;
I’m just a burden; I can’t pull myself out
Of the dark hole; they are just blinded by pity.
They don’t realize how good it would be without.

I’m a pathetic excuse for a creature;
No good to anyone, not even God.
It’s too late for me, of that I’m sure,
Adam created from dirt, me from sod.

Filled with guilt and despair,
Depression grabs my soul,
And takes me on the way there,
Down into the darkest hole…

I said I wouldn’t, but I’m done,

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