Seeds and Weeds of Bitterness

Wild Thang with Tiny (on left) and Aurora (on right)

Last April, my rooster Wild Thang became ill with a respiratory illness. Wheezing, sneezing, unable to crow without sounding like a pathetic squeaky toy…  I had to put him in a cage and bring him indoors out of the cold. (I’m not sure how my dad would have felt about a rooster spending a week in his shop…😅😆🤪 ) During this, I scoffed at the idea for praying for my rooster.

I had grown seeds of bitterness within me and they grew like weeds, taking over me and hurting myself and others with their thorns.

Wild Thang and Aurora during molting season

I thought, what is the use of praying for a sick rooster when God didn’t answer my prayers about my dad, who was ill for years?

Then I had a sudden thought that hit hard. I would be angry either way. I doubt it was my own conscience; the Holy Spirit was probably trying to get my attention. If God didn’t heal my rooster, then I’d be upset and wondering why God allowed so much heartbreak in my life in such a short time span. If God DID heal my rooster, then I would be bitter because what kind of God heals a rooster but not my dad?

And this is when I knew I had a problem.

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A post shared by Tim Challies (@challies)

 

It’s not my timing, but His. I saw a quote on Tim Challis’s Instagram the other day that, paraphrasing, no one dies before or after their appointed time and that appointed time is God’s timing. (Linked to post above.) I had a hard time believing this and it led to me running away from God instead of toward him. It led me to distance myself from friends and blogging because I wasn’t following Him.

It took months after this to be able to stop running away. Stop and admit what I had done. More things had to happen to bring me to where I could stop and repent. It’s still a healing process, I’m not saying I’ve found all the answers. But I think I’m finally running in the right direction.

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Under This Smile

Under this smile
There is a side
You never get to see.

All the while,
Pain does reside
In the depths of me.

Depression is a thief,
Stealing happiness
And leaving despair,

And utter grief.
I must confess,
I wish wasn’t there.

I can try to cover it
Like putting makeup
On a painful scar,

And try to smother it,
But soon I give up,
And don’t get too far.

I can play pretend
Temporarily,
But it forthwith

Comes to an end.
There is a part of me
That wants to show this,

And yet, the other
Part wants to hide
It shamefully.

It is yet another
Thing I wish to confide
I’m desperate to be free.

It’s harder when
I’m asked why;
I have no answer,

And I’m dejected again.
To my Savior I cry,
For Him to cure.

Fearful being rejected again;
I don’t want to open
My heart and soul,

For fear of then
Inviting Sadness in
To eat me whole.

“But You already know
My heart; You, most Holy,
Won’t reject me.”

This begins a slow
Healing from melancholy,
Defeating the Enemy.

It is one more ploy
Of the pirate to plunder
My hopeless spirit,

But my Savoir restores joy
And I begin to wonder,
Can I beat it?

Jesus has the victory
Over the whole world.
Death and sin have lost

Because His mighty
Plan was unfurled
When His Son paid the cost!

This and more is going
On inside of my brain
All at the same time.

But none is showing,
No, none of the pain
That’s under this smile of mine.

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They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. (Psalm 126:5 KJV)

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3 ESV)

My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26 NKJV)

So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? (First Corinthians 15:54-55 KJV)

He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of His people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it. (Isaiah 25:8 KJV)

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This is one of my longer poems. I know, it doesn’t have the usual victory message at the very end, but… I was being real. I know there will be victory in the end, but sometimes in the moment, you just don’t feel it. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t true though. 😉 He will have the victory. 🙂

Compression

Image Credit: Me

Some gems lay on top of the ground
However, some are buried deep
Have to toil and sweat, just to be found

Beneath the layers melancholy.
Sometimes all that is found to keep
Is coal; as if we were naughty.

Image Credit: Me

But it is depression that expressed,
Such tales of sadness within me;
For the coal must be compressed

To become a sparkling stone.
As pressure changes unsightly
To the hardest substance known,

And into one of the most stunning
Jewels there are in life –
So why from this am I running?

Image Credit: Pixabay

Through the toughest stress
And the enduring strife,
Help me bear the compress;

Though I don’t want this any longer,
If it is Your will, make me
Your gem; let this make me stronger!

And then, use Your blood and polish me
Turn me from dark and dirty
Into priceless clean crystal clarity!

Image Credit: Pixabay

Let it all bring to You the glory!
No hiding under bushels of safety
Help me shine for the world to see!

I believe that out of the worst,
You work for my good
So even if it now hurts

I’ll trust You and make the best
Of this as I should –
This polishing process.

Image Credit: Pixabay

As You whisk away the dirt
And all the grime
It will most definitely hurt

But it’s Your plan, I see.
So take Your time
Cleanse me, O Lord, cleanse me.

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Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.
Surely my soul remembers
And is bowed down within me.
This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I have hope in Him.” (Lamentations 3:19-25 NASB)

For if He causes grief,
Then He will have compassion
According to His abundant lovingkindness.
For He does not afflict willingly
Or grieve the sons of men. (Lamentations 3:32-33 NASB)

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14-16 NASB)

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. (Psalm 51:7 KJV)

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10 KJV)

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**Thanks to T. R. for helping me get the second stanza to work! 🙂

I Am His

I no longer live
But Christ lives in me.
All I have to give
Is my life, and gladly
I give it to Thee!

I live by faith alone;
I am no longer mine,
I am no longer my own,
But I am Thine –
This body is Thy shrine.

By faith in the Son,
I live my life –
The One who won
Through Sacrifice –
The Savior Jesus Christ

Who died in my place.
His mercy came as a flood
Washing His wondrous grace
Over me, making this child of sod
Into a Child of God.

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I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? 1 Corinthians 6:19 NASB

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I’ve had this written for many months, but I couldn’t get the wording of the last five lines to sound right. Finally, it fell into place – thank you, Jesus! ❤

Review: Black (The Circle #1) by Ted Dekker

Black: The Birth of Evil by Ted Dekker
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

What is a dream? What is the reality? Reality is a waking dream… or is it? For Thomas Hunter, distinguishing the two is difficult. In one, he is in Denver and has a sister, and there is a deadly virus that could wipe out the whole Earth’s population. In the other, there is a beautiful girl, a colored forest, and the presence of Elyon – and a sinister entity named Telah…

But which is real? Or could both be real? Could it be two worlds? And could they be connected somehow?

The plot thickens when in one he finds out that all he holds dear in both worlds is in jeopardy. However, he thinks he may be able to change events in one from things he finds out in the other. Will he be successful? Or will one or both come to an abrupt end?

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This is the first book in The Circle series. A friend gave it to me two years ago for my birthday and I enjoyed it so much! (Obviously, I am behind in writing reviews; though technically, I wrote the review last year and forgot to post it… oops. 😅) The writing style was great. Thomas is very entertaining. And the dream // world switching was done nearly flawlessly. I really felt the urgency that the character had, and I appreciated the detail that Dekker gave to the Colored Forest and the Black Forest. I also saw a bit of symbolism in the Colored Forest from the Garden Of Eden, which made me enjoy it all the more!

I loved this book so much that when my parents asked me to pick out a book for Christmas, I asked for the next in this series, Red! It’s been sitting on my to-read shelf for the past six months, and I’m looking forward to reading it. My friends keep saying that it was better than Black. 🙂

View all my reviews

Keep On The Path

Apple Tree Sapling

A seed was planted in fertile ground.
It was indeed slow growing,
Because tall weeds abounded,
Choking, no longer living or knowing

Jesus; it flirted with seemingly delightful death.
Eyes were opened and God plucked the weeds
And then gave it a Life-Giving Breath –
No, it is not the end of this seed!

Rocks tried to make it harder to grow,
And when it saw how far it came,
Winds of self-consciousness came to blow
And it wilted over in shame.

“But stand tall, My little plant!
I, the Great I am, died for you!
Don’t think of what you can’t
But think of what I can do!

“You should be proud, I’ve brought you far.
Keep on the path that I’ve set for you, little one.
Be satisfied with the plant that you are,
But yet, strive to grow toward the Son.”

My Eyes Are On You

I know not what to do,
But my eyes are on You

I know not what is planned for me
But I put all of my Trust in Thee

You are with me in my days of struggle.
You are my stronghold in days of trouble.

I know not what needs to be done
But I keep my eyes on You, The Son

You are with me in our days of delight
And You are with me in my darkest night

In highest peak or in the lowest valley
I know that Your Light will shine on me

I know not what is in the time to come
I only know where my strength comes from

Your Spirit is my guide
In You, I will abide

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O our God, wilt Thou not judge them? for we have no might against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon Thee. Second Chronicles 20:12

The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and He knoweth them that trust in Him. –Nahum 1:7

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me. – Psalm 23:4

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined. – Isaiah 9:2

“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the Vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in Me.” John 15:4

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I almost feel like this is the sequel to “Jesus Will Be With Me.” Haha. 🙂

I didn’t mean to go this long without posting; I’ve been writing a novel as I mentioned in my last post (and it’s really coming along!), but I’m also having some light sensitivity, which makes it uncomfortable and sometimes painful to look at the screen for long periods of time. Therefore, I’ve been doing my best to keep up with writing my novel and reading your wonderful posts in short bursts throughout the day – while wearing sunglasses 😎 – and I haven’t spent much time in composing posts. 😅 It’s getting better now, so hopefully, I’ll get back to posting at least twice a week. 😊

**Special thanks to Margaret from The Word for posting the Isaiah 9:2 verse. Because of that verse and the timing of the posting, I was able to finish two lines that I was so stuck in finishing. 🙂 (And yes, that is a link in her name if you want to check out her wonderful blog. 😉)